Rather listen? Here’s a link to this episode on my podcast!

Navigating feelings of frustration and hurtful language (both towards others and oneself) is hard. Here’s a quick story time of how I handled this with my 6-year old!

While trying to attempt new tricks with her hula hoop, my 6-year old grew frustrated and blurted out, “I’m stupid!”

When our kids are in the thick of their emotions, they don’t want to hear our logic.  

At least not at first. 

So, here’s how I handled it…

1. Listened & provided distance between herself & her thoughts.

Me: “Oh wow! Your mind is telling you that you’re stupid. That you’re failing because you can’t do the hula hoop trick yet.” 

Right now, “I’m stupid” is a feeling. I don’t want to her to adopt this feeling as her identity so I need to help her gain some distance so she can start to examine her thoughts critically. But I need to tread carefully because I also want her to feel heard and understood so I …

2. Normalized her feelings

When kids (and adults) experience intense feelings, it’s common to feel alone and like you’re the only one who experiences them. One thing that can be really healing for kids to hear from parents is “Me too!”

Me: “I’ve felt that way before. Sometimes when I get upset or I’m learning something new, my mind starts telling me all kinds of hurtful things. Learning new things is hard.”

3. Reframed her feelings

If you think about it, learning new things is hard! Not only mentally but emotionally. It takes a lot of courage to suck at something and to keep trying when you feel like you’re failing. 

I helped her realize this by saying, “Feeling frustrated is a sign you’re getting out of your comfort zone and learning something new. You’re growing!” I shared a quick story of how I overcame this feeling as a doctoral student.

4. Provided evidence that conflicted with her thoughts

Once I took time to speak to her emotions, I started to transition to examining her thoughts. 

Me: “What’s your mind telling you about the hula hoop?”

Her: “That I can’t hula hoop.”

Luckily, I had recorded her so I pulled out a video of herself hula hooping and said, “That looks like a girl hula hooping to me!” She smiled.

5. Took a break and focused on something else.

During these conversations, I follow her lead. I don’t keep bringing up things if she’s showing me she’s ready to talk about something else. So, we naturally dropped the subject.

In the middle of her homework, she blurted out, “I don’t feel stupid anymore.” I simply replied, “Feelings come and go.” 

The following day, she was back to hula hooping and she told me again, “I don’t feel stupid anymore.” 

Love that for her. 🙂

Summary:

1. Listened & provided distance between herself & her thoughts.

2. Normalized feelings

3. Reframed feelings

4. Provided evidence that conflicted with her thoughts

5. Took a break and focused on something else. 

Has your child ever made similar comments?

Download my free ebook: Your 3-Step Plan When Your Child Gets Angry or Aggressive

This ebook is going to give you the tools you need to:

• Understand the psychology of anger so that you can see your child and their emotions clearly (especially in the heat of the moment) 
• Learn about the levels of emotional dysregulation so that you can tailor your responses and be more effective
• Have a clear 3-step plan based on your child’s level of dysregulation so you can stop feeling flustered, triggered and helpless during your child’s angry outbursts
• Bonus printable checklists to help you stay more present, calm, and patient in the heat of the moment 

Visit themompsychologist.com/ebook to download the e-book for free!