Rather listen? Here’s a link to this episode on my podcast!

Does your child often meltdown when you’re not doing things “quick” enough? Or they’re not getting their needs met?

Or maybe they’re screaming at you, “I want it now!!!” Yikes. 

Here’s how to respond…

Step 1: Narrate what you hear them communicating in the moment.

This slows everyone down & helps your child feel understood.

You don’t need to act just yet. Just simply take note (out loud) of what you observe happening. This will help you process and think of the next steps. 

• “Wow, I hear you. You’re really hungry. You want a snack right now!” 
• “You’re really eager to go outside. Yes, it’s hard to wait.” 
• “Uh oh! Sister is still playing with the toy and you want it now.”

Step 2: Establish a clear boundary

Convey that you understand where they’re coming from but that this is your boundary/this is what’s happening.

Every context is so different but here are a couple of examples to help get you started:

• You’re cooking and they want the food NOW. “Yes, you want it now. You’re so hungry. You have two choice: You can have some bell peppers I’m chopping up or you can wait until dinner is ready.”
• You’re doing their hair and they’re getting inpatient. “Yes, I understand this isn’t the fun-est (it’s not a word but bear with me) thing right now. I need you to give me 2 more minutes.”

Step 3: For many moments, it will make sense to coach them through a re-do where they articulate their needs in a more respectful way.

Once you’ve figured out what they need, coach them to get their needs met with more respectful communication. 

Because here’s the thing – it’s really hard for kids to access language when they feel overwhelmed (its hard for us adults, too). 

So in these moments, the most loving thing we can do is slow them down & give them the words to say things differently.

So you can try phrases like…

• “I’m having a hard time understanding you. When you speak calmly, then I can understand. Let’s take some time to calm our bodies first.”
• Say what you’d like them to say differently. Pause and wait for them to repeat you and then praise that (e.g., “Milk please!” Pause… They say, “Milk please!” You say, “Thanks so much for telling me what you want/need. Now I can help!”).
• If they don’t repeat you, prompt them by saying, “Let’s practice together.” or “When you say ‘Milk please’ then I’ll be happy to get it for you.” The key is to hold firm to your boundaries. But of course, make sure this is a skill your child can *actually* do.
• If your child continues to struggle with communicating verbally, try to create other ways they can communicate such as sign language or using pictures.

The biggest messages you want to send during these moments are:

• I see you. I validate you.
• I’m not going to ignore the ways in which you are speaking to me because tone and words matter. It’s important that you learn this skill.
• I’m going to coach you on how to make a different choice. I’m with you in this. We are a team working together. It’s us vs the problem NOT me vs you.

Download my free ebook: Your 3-Step Plan When Your Child Gets Angry or Aggressive

This ebook is going to give you the tools you need to:

• Understand the psychology of anger so that you can see your child and their emotions clearly (especially in the heat of the moment) 
• Learn about the levels of emotional dysregulation so that you can tailor your responses and be more effective
• Have a clear 3-step plan based on your child’s level of dysregulation so you can stop feeling flustered, triggered and helpless during your child’s angry outbursts
• Bonus printable checklists to help you stay more present, calm, and patient in the heat of the moment 

Visit themompsychologist.com/ebook to download the e-book for free!