A place where I discuss all things related to toddlers and motherhood!
As a clinical psychologist, published author, and mother to two cheeky young children, I get it. I’ve spent YEARS researching and filtering through the noise online, so you don’t have to.
Rather listen? You can do that here!
90% of your child’s brain develops by age 5. To ‘develop’ is to change, and your child’s brain is changing at rapid speed.
In fact, your child’s brain makes at least 1 million new neural connections every SECOND – far more than any other time in their life.
During these early years, your child’s brain has the ability to develop (or not) connections for higher level abilities like:
While definitely not impossible, it’s harder to develop these connections later in life so it’s crucial to maximize this early window of development so your child has the keys to success.
This is why I do what I do – to help amazing parents like you learn easy ways to help their children thrive.
“Now how are these connections made?”, you might be wondering.
It’s pretty straightforward – Everyday positive experiences with you (and other caregivers). As humans, we are wired to connect. Development is a relational process.
I’m willing to bet, since you’re reading this letter, that you’re one of the most (if not the most) influential people in your child’s life. You are the one that will help them make sense of the world and learn these higher level brain skills.
It’s so important your relationship with your child is mostly:
Your child’s brain development counts on you to show up – not perfectly, but consistently.
So here are the top 5 things to make sure you start teaching your child by age 5.
Key word here is “start.” These are not skills your child is expected to have mastered by this age. These are simply the skills to have on your radar to start teaching.
1) How to share their feelings & needs in respectful ways
Emotional intelligence is such a foundational skill that translates into all areas of your child’s life including how they approach learning and relationships. I teach this in depth inside my online parenting program, Positive Discipline Academy, but here are a few quick tips to get you started.
Here’s a list of my personal favorites for infants, toddlers, and preschoolers. My personal favorite for babies is Baby Faces by DK and Making Faces: A First Book of Emotions by Abrams Appleseed and for babies and toddlers. For preschoolers, I love Grumpy Monkey by Suzanne Lang and In My Heart by Jo Witek.
Start this in infancy and continue throughout the years. It’s especially important to start as your child enters their tantrum era. Point out how “mad”, “frustrated”, “disappointed”, and “sad” they are.
For my toddler son, I’ll say things like “(Name) is mad! Grrrrr!” or “(Name) is sad. Aww sad (name).” You can tell he’s listening. This helps him learn about feelings in the moment as he’s experiencing them.
In order to understand something, we have to have a name for it. Labels help children understand themselves (and their world) in new more profound ways. So look for everyday experiences to point out emotions (both yours, your child’s and others’).
When they get upset, try to help them identify their feelings (e.g., “It looks like you’re feeling X right now. Is that right?”).
You can also do the same for their needs. Let’s say they are whining, complaining, crying, or otherwise trying to communicate with their body or sounds that they need something.. Instead of meeting it right away, slow them down and:
At first, don’t expect your child to make those requests (or even repeat what you say) on their own. Just keep modeling and they will eventually pick it up. But as their language develops, if they are not naturally saying it, you can prompt them to practice. Over time through this process, you’re helping your child learn how to understand and articulate their needs to you.
2) How to understand and assert body boundaries.
This one is so important and will help cut back on toy battles and conflict significantly. In the toddler years, start by teaching them how to assert their own body boundaries (and understand others’).
So as they are interacting with you or their siblings, start to get in the habit of identifying what everyone needs at the moment.
Common needs in social interactions:
It’s crucial that you observe these interactions carefully and try to identify what each child is needing. From there, you teach them how to understand and respect others’ body boundaries (and social requests).
For instance, let’s say you notice one child is getting irritated by another child because they keep getting in their “body bubble.” Turn to the child looking irritated and say, “It looks like you need space. Is that right? You can tell other child ‘Space please.’”
If the other child can’t speak up for themselves (i.e., infant, young toddler, early talker) then you use the words for them and help the other child respect their boundaries. “It looks like she needs space. She doesn’t like that.” And then redirect the child (e.g., get involved in their play to redirect the moment).
In general, it’s crucial children know how to 1) understand and 2) communicate the following phrases:
Then, model respecting their boundaries as well as asserting your own with the same phrases.
Also, the book My Body! What I Say Goes! By Jayneen Sanders is a great resource for teaching kids about body boundaries and consent.
3) Various coping skills
It’s important to understand that in the early years, your child’s primary way of coping is YOU. They will instinctively turn to you for nurturance, support, and help.
As I previously discussed, it’s so important to be attuned to their cues and meet their emotional needs as best as you can. Remember, this isn’t about perfection but we do want to try to be as consistent as possible.
Sure, over time, as your child develops, their coping skills “toolbox” will expand but:
Ideas for coping skills:
If you look carefully at this list, these are often things you naturally expose your child to. Dance parties, bathtime, reading books, art, etc – these are things we do in everyday life.
So the key here is not necessarily to change what you’re doing but to:
You can do this by pointing out how these things may YOUR body feel afterwards or just flat out say, “This was so fun to do with you. And guess what? Sometimes these things can also help our bodies feel relaxed and calm when we’re sad or mad. How does your body feel right now?”
Tips for teaching coping skills:
4) The power of “yet” & how to persist despite difficulty
For example, “I can’t do that yet!“
Especially in the early years, you want to focus on creating an empowering home that offers warmth & connection especially when kids make mistakes or have intense feelings.
Teach them that brains get stronger with practice and that mistakes are how we learn. Recognize and commend them for their effort, not the end result (e.g., “I love how you didn’t give up! You felt frustrated at first but with time and work, you did it! I bet you feel proud of yourself!”).
Through everyday moments, your child is paying close attention to the messages you teach them about mistakes, mishaps, conflict, and intense feelings.
Examples of crucial learning moments for your child:
Your child learns important lessons about what it means to learn new things, make mistakes, be in conflict with others and more through everyday experiences.
5) How to contribute to their family and community in meaningful ways
Young children love to feel helpful so invite them to get involved as much as possible. Whether it’s unloading the dishwasher, feeding the pet, watering the plants or grabbing something off the counter, your child probably can’t wait to jump in and help!
Chores (aka family jobs or offerings) are a great way to teach responsibility and help children feel valued in a consistent and predictable way.
Ideas for toddlers and preschoolers (ages 1 through 5+):
Having trouble getting your little one to get involved around the house? Check out this video for practical tips to motivate your child to do chores (without bribes or allowance). You can also download my free chore checklist, which includes age-appropriate chores for toddlers through teens as well as a chore chart to help keep everyone organized and accountable.
Other important skills to begin teaching by age 5:
Comment down below if you’d like to learn any other skills.
Keep in mind: Every child will learn these skills in their own time.
While you want to *start* teaching these skills in the early years, the time in which it takes them to master these skills will probably take much longer. Heck, even us adults are still working on some of these.
So in summary, in the first 5 years make sure to start teaching your child:
Let’s talk in the comments – Which skill(s) are you struggling with teaching right now?
Thanks for reading,
Dr. Jazmine
For my courses, books, free tools and more – visit my website here.
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