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As a clinical psychologist, published author, and mother to two cheeky young children, I get it. I’ve spent YEARS researching and filtering through the noise online, so you don’t have to.
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Many of us were taught ‘stranger danger’- Don’t talk to strangers. Don’t trust them. Leave them alone.
Yet only 28 percent of child abductions happen by strangers. And when it comes to child abuse in general, the vast majority of it happens at the hands of someone children trust.
It is not strangers we need to be teaching our children about, it is how to navigate the people they know, like and trust.
So instead of teaching our kids an outdated concept like “stranger danger,” teach them about “tricky people” which can be both strangers and people we are familiar with.
Start having these conversations around ages 4 or 5.
Here is how to talk to kids about “tricky people” without causing fear.
What is a “tricky person”?
A tricky person is anyone (whether we know them or not) who tries to trick you into doing something you are not supposed to do.
Patty Fitzgerald, founder of Safely Ever After, coined the term “tricky people” and she has amazing resources including two books, “No Trespassing” and “Super Duper Safety School.”
When teaching your child about “tricky people” it’s important to teach them:
5 Common Signs of “Tricky People”:
During these conversations, explain that we don’t keep secrets, only fun surprises (e.g., like birthday presents), and that no adult should be asking you to keep a secret. Most importantly, they will never get in trouble for sharing a “secret.” The book Let’s Talk About Body Boundaries, Consent and Respect does a great job at educating kids on this concept in a fun way.
This part is really important and ties into how we raise our children in general. When it comes to discipline, we have to be aware of the messages we are sending them about mistakes and “getting in trouble.” My children do not “get in trouble” (i.e., punished) when they make mistakes or otherwise do not do what I ask them to do. They get talked to. There’s a conversation, a teaching moment but not a punishment.
People who are trying to manipulate your child will use fear tactics like “getting in trouble” because they know many children fear their parents. If your child fears you, and they worry they will be “in trouble”, they are going to second guess coming to you when there is a problem. In my online discipline course, I teach parents how to discipline (which means to teach) in ways that don’t cause harm but also don’t turn you into a permissive parent, either.
As parents, we are our children’s safe haven. They should be able to come to us when there is a problem. If they can’t, then there is a problem with our parenting approach, not our child.
I want to make another point about threats because peers do this a lot (e.g., “If you don’t do this I won’t be your friend.”). In essence, this is peer pressure. From an early age, children need to be taught what “peer pressure” is and what it sounds like.
Relationships should not have conditions on them. If a ‘friend’ ever wants you to do something and uses their friendship (or a reward like candy, toys, etc) as a way to try to control you, this is not real friendship. This is peer pressure and manipulation. It’s not that we need to vilify their friends, though. Just simply pointing this out and saying something like, “A true friend doesn’t try to get you to do something you don’t want to. It’s ok to say ‘No’.”
In essence, peers can be added to the list of possible ‘tricky people’ and it is important you have ongoing conversations about this reality in a way that educates and empowers them to think critically about their relationships and the choices they make. Teach them the ins and outs of peer pressure (e.g., what it sounds like, why people do it and how to respond) because no one else will teach them this.
Quick tip: Create a unique family password as a way of “testing” a potentially tricky person. Teach them that if they were ever asked to go somewhere alone, to ask the person for the password first. Explain that they are not allowed to tell anyone the password and only someone who received our permission would know it. This is great for kids 5 and up.
The key to empowering kids (and not frightening them) when having these conversations is to:
In summary, teach kids:
Have these conversations on an ongoing basis. Keep the conversations based on empowerment (not fear) and remember to be conscious of the ways in which you may be inflicting fear in your parenting approach. Keep the relationship (not compliance or control) number one priority.
If you’re wanting to find ways to connect with your child in deeper ways and/or discipline without inflicting fear or harm, then check out my free discipline workshop.
That’s it for this letter. Keep me posted on how these conversations with your little ones go.
Until next week,
Dr. Jazmine
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