I’m going to share with you my general thoughts and approach to Santa Claus – and how I navigate the truth about Santa with my children. Parents often wonder how to respond to questions about Santa? Another common concern is how to prevent our kids from ruining it for other children if you’re deciding not to participate in Santa Claus. 

I’m going to answer all that and more for you. Let’s dive in!

Should I tell my kids Santa is real?

Every family has to make this decision for themselves because how you approach it is up to you. You get to raise your children how you want to, as long as it’s not abusive, neglectful, or cruel. So when it comes to Santa Claus, every family has the liberty of deciding how to best navigate it in ways that are aligned with their values, beliefs, and their child’s needs. There’s no right or wrong way to do this. 

How do I talk to my child about Santa if I decide we aren’t going to believe he’s real?

Tell your child Santa is a fictional character people like to believe in – like the Easter Bunny, mermaids, or unicorns. You can stress that this is pretend, and we can choose to believe in it or not. Tell your child some people like to believe and pretend Santa is real. 

But you can still incorporate Santa in a way that’s pretend with your child. You can still say, “Let’s pretend Santa is real and make him cookies,” or “Let’s pretend Santa’s going to read our Christmas list, and let’s make a list of all the toys that we want.” You can still incorporate Santa and also be truthful that he is a pretend character. 

If I tell my child Santa isn’t real, won’t I ruin the magic of Christmas?

No. If we’re honest with our kids that Santa is a fictional character that we can choose to believe in or not, we’re not ruining the magic. Because here’s the thing: Kids love to imagine. All day long, your child is engaged in pretend play, and it’s fun for them. For instance, just because your child knows they’re not actually a mom doesn’t distract from the fun of pretending to be mommy during doll time.

Is it okay to tell kids to behave because Santa is watching or the Elf on the Shelf is watching?

Whether you’re telling your kids Santa is real or not, it’s important to be clear that Santa will always be kind. I’m not a fan of the nice & naughty list or that Santa’s watching and knows if you’ve been good or bad. Or the idea of the Elf being a spy for Santa. 

We need to emphasize to our kids that Santa is a kind character, and he’s going to be nice to you regardless. I’m not a fan of instilling fear into our kids to make them comply or to influence their behavior. 

How do I tell others we don’t participate in the naughty or nice list, Elf on the Shelf, or those other things?

At what age should I tell my child the truth about Santa? What should I say when I talk to my child about Santa not being real?

There’s no magical age for this. But the age range of when kids start to ask questions is around 7 to 10 – the average age of when kids figure out Santa isn’t real is 8 years old. 

If you’ve been saying to your child Santa is real, when you tell them the truth about Santa is going to be based on your child and the questions they ask. So if they ask you, “How do reindeer fly?” Or, “How does Santa get inside my chimney?” Or “How does he get to all the houses in the world in one night?” That’s when it’s time to have those conversations. 

For instance, if your child asks, “Is Santa real?” start with asking them back a question: 

• “What do you think? Do you think he’s real?”
• “What makes you ask that?”

Start with some curiosity. And it’s not that you’re trying to deflect or not answer their question, but I want you to start with some curiosity because that will inform what you’ll then say later. 

So if your child then says, “I don’t think he’s real,” that’s a great time to say:

• “Yeah, he’s not real. It’s a character we like to pretend is real, and it’s part of the magic of Christmas. “

Talk about the spirit of Santa and why people like to pretend he’s real. Go back to the values of generosity of kindness that Santa embodies.

If your child says, “I don’t know,” or “I think he’s real,” then you can decide if you want to continue that narrative. It’s also okay for you to allow them to come to their own conclusions in their own time. 

If your child says, “No, tell me, is he real or not?” I wouldn’t lie. I would say, “No, he’s pretend.”

How do I help my older child understand Santa isn’t real without lying? What if I think my older child knows Santa isn’t real? Should I bring it up?

How do I keep my child from telling other kids Santa isn’t real and spoiling it for them?

It’s important to have this conversation with your child, and it comes down to prepping them beforehand when it’s clear they no longer believe in Santa. This doesn’t mean your child needs to lie. But instead, they need to keep quiet. 

If other kids talk about Santa, you can tell your child they can:

• Excuse themselves from the conversation
• Stay quiet and not participate in the conversation
• Share a memory of Santa

But it’s important to emphasize to your child to not ruin it for other little ones. 

And this all comes down to treating people with kindness and respect for what they believe. It’s like religion – some people choose to believe certain things and some people don’t. And that’s okay. If they’re choosing to believe in a certain religion, we can respect it. We’ll never want to say their belief is wrong. And that’s the same concept you want to teach your child to respect others’ beliefs about Santa.

Remind them Santa is all about kindness and generosity. Help them understand each family believes things differently, and that’s okay and beautiful – this helps us continue these conversations about diversity and differences. And we can celebrate differences even when it comes to Santa. 

It’s also important to tell your child if they ever get a question from another kid saying, “Do you believe Santa’s true?” Teach your child to direct that other kid’s questions to an adult. Tell them they can say something like:

• “Oh, that’s a good question. I think you should ask your parents about that.”

We never want them to feel the burden or responsibility to answer these types of pointed questions. So give them the words to handle those conversations.

How can white parents incorporate multicultural Santas without being insensitive? 

We all should incorporate multicultural Santas into how we talk about Santa and how we integrate him into our home. It’s important to celebrate diversity in our homes. Everybody should have multicultural Santas, just like we have multicultural dolls, books, and TV shows. It’s all inclusive and how we live our lives. 

It’s only insensitive if you don’t care about other people’s feelings. But if you’re incorporating multiculturalism and diversity in your parenting, that’s the opposite of insensitivity because you’re being inclusive. 

How are you planning on handling Santa Claus this year? 

Leave me your thoughts in the comments below. Let’s share our ideas, traditions, and more – remember, we’re a community of parents all doing the best we can as we navigate the holiday season!

Happy Holidays,

Dr. Jazmine

P.S. Ever wonder what type of parent you are? Like do you tend to be more permissive, authoritarian, or do you strike a balance between love & limits (authoritative)?

Take my Parenting Style Quiz and find out! All you need is 2 minutes and an email address. 

Once you complete the quiz, I’ll send you a personalized report and video with your results. You’ll receive several resources that will help you grow to create more cooperation and connection to transform your relationship with your child.