Why Your Child is Clingy and How to Deal With It
Filed under:
Back when we were hunters and gatherers, children survived when they stayed close to their parents. The children that were far away and separated from the group were more prone to attack and threat.
Your child’s clinginess is rooted in their survival.
But there are some things you can do to turn this behavior around.
4 Reasons Why Your Child Is Clingy
You have to understand what is underlying the clinginess behavior. That is how you will know how you can meet your child’s needs, what you need to be doing as a parent a bit differently, and how you can help support them.
1. Your child is clingy because they’re stressed out
Your toddler or child may need more reassurance from you. They may need more connection.
When I talk about secure attachment, one of the biggest things about secure attachment is being your child’s secure base. Your child will come to you when they’re seeking safety, but it can look like clinginess.
And that’s a sign of secure attachment. That’s a good thing.
Of course, there are things you can do to make your child feel more confident and less anxious by giving them the reassurance they need.
If you feel like your child is anxious, check out these videos to learn more about childhood anxiety.
2. Your child is clingy because their environment or the schedule is unpredictable.
Something about their environment is unpredictable – going back to number 1 – it could be scary to them.
When children feel like their environment is unpredictable, they feel out of control and they feel less safe.
If there’s a lot of change going on and there’s a lack of predictability, it can cause them to cling to you.
3. Your child is clingy because they’re bored.
Maybe they’re looking for some stimulation. Maybe they’re climbing on top of you and clinging to you because they want more interaction.
And they’re not sure how to ask for it or how to get their needs met in an appropriate way.
4. Your child is clingy because they’re seeking limits.
Children often will “misbehave” or become clingy because they’re seeking some input from you. They may want to know where they can go or where they can’t go. They’re testing some boundaries, which is normal.
Often, your child is asking you a question: Can I do this? What will happen if I do this? Sometimes they’re going to need you to put up boundaries so that they can get that question answered.
And you have to give them the answer to those important questions that they’re asking you. Remember to be that calm, confident leader when you respond to them.
Because they’re not going to ask you verbally – they’re going to tell you through their behavior.
Sometimes clinginess and poor boundaries can be a sign that they are testing boundaries and they need some clearer answers from you.
3 Tips On How To Deal With A Clingy Child
1. Be proactive about giving your child positive attention
Don’t wait until your child is begging you for attention through their negative behavior. Make sure you’re being proactive about giving your kids lots of positive attention before they’re practically knocking down the door for attention.
Because your attention is powerful to your children.
They’ll work so hard for attention, whether it’s positive or negative. They don’t care. They just want some attention.
Clinginess can be a sign that they want more interaction. They want more connection. They want more reassurance. There’s something that they’re needing in that relationship.
Just be sure to be proactive about it.
Now of course you want to meet your child’s needs when they are clingy, but you need to be one step ahead of that. That’s what it means to be proactive – not waiting until they’re super clingy.
Give them attention when they are calm, and they’re doing something randomly. Maybe they’re sitting at the table playing with their trains. You come and sit by them and you’re like, “Wow, that looks so fun. You’re playing with the blue train.”
Now, if you struggle with pretend play, be sure to check out my videos on pretend play because I break down best practices for that. Play is a wonderful way to give your child positive attention.
Don’t sleep on play. Especially if you have a stage-4 clinger. That is going to be one of your best antidotes.
2. Keep a routine and provide structure
The biggest routines to keep are the times when they eat, sleep, and play. Everything else can have more variety or spontaneity.
Keep your routines the same because children don’t have a good concept of time. But they have a good concept of sequence. So give them some predictability.
And give them some safety by keeping it consistent throughout the day.
3. Establish boundaries
This is a whole masterclass.
If you’re a part of the mom sisterhood – my private parent coaching community – then you know we talk a lot about consequences and boundaries and discipline and all of that and everywhere in between.
You want to get really good at establishing boundaries.
Don’t be afraid to say…
- “That doesn’t feel good on my body. Space please.”
- “Please sit over here.”
- “I see you want to climb. You can climb over there, right?”
- “Here’s what you can do instead. Here’s what we can do instead.”
Give them boundaries and let them know where they can and can’t do things.
If they’re climbing on you, clinging to you, and you’re feeling uncomfortable, let them know. It’s a huge disservice to let that happen.
If you are truly feeling uncomfortable, you want to place boundaries around that. There are so many benefits to this, but the biggest one is the fact that this is good modeling.
Your child is going to know how to respond to people when they feel like somebody is invading their space. Or doing something that they don’t like. They’re going to know the words to say to get their needs met appropriately.
It’s a great teaching experience to model.
Powerful messages on boundaries, communication, and getting your needs met
I want to summarize all of this into a mantra you can tell yourself today and other days when your child is being clingy or even just behaving in a way you don’t understand…
Behavior is always a form of communication. They’re always telling you something through their behavior – through their verbal and nonverbal cues.
Let me know in the comments below, do you have a stage-4 clinger? What other questions about this topic do you have? I would love to hear from you!
Dr. Jazmine
P.S. Want more help? Check out my free discipline workshop, How to Get Your Kids to Listen Without Yelling, for a deeper dive into discipline and setting consequences with intention and respect.
Love this? Don’t lose it! Click below to save to your Pinterest!
Leave a Reply
WATCH NOW
Watch my free discipline workshop today for more clarity, connection and cooperation
From chaos to cooperation!
Blog
Favorites
Private Parent Coaching Community
Parenting Books
About
Home
Contact
watch
follow
stalk
listen
