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As a psychologist and mom of three, I don’t always know the right things to say at the right times nor do I always say things how I mean to say them. 

What helps me is having a few go-to phrases to fall back on during stressful moments because it helps me to redirect my focus to what matters – my relationship with my child. 

The things we tell ourselves (our self-talk) in the heat of the moment influence the way we feel and the choices we make. Make sure that in the heat of the moment, you have positive phrases to fall back on so that you can feel confident rather than flustered and stressed. 

Here are a few of my go-to’s! 

1. “Let it out.” (when they’re crying)

This is really something I say out loud for myself during intense emotional episodes to remind my brain that 1) feelings are safe; this is not an emergency or a bad thing and 2) it is not my job to control or calm them down. 

Sure, I can try my best to be a supportive presence but this is their process to control. 

It’s a little counterintuitive, but it is often my radical acceptance that helps them calm down.

Why? Because phrases like, “Let it out.” directly tell my child:

• I’m not a threat and they’re not in trouble for feeling the way they do. 
• I’m not upset or judging them for their feelings. 
• I’m allowing them time to vent their emotions. 
• I’m not scared, intimidated or stressed by their intense emotions.
• It’s safe to share their feelings with me. 
• Feelings are ok to experience and share with others.

2. “We will get through this together.” (when we’re having a hard time)

Teamwork is one of our core family values and I’m always trying to make it a point to call this out, especially during hard moments. 

Yes this is hard and we will get through this – together. 

This also helps remind my brain that me and my child are on the same team (they are not my enemy).

Phrases like this directly tell my child:

• I’m on their side. 
• I’m their ally and will help them solve this problem. 
• They’re not alone in this. 
• I’m the leader and will help guide them towards the solution. 
• I’m not going anywhere. I’m not threatened or intimidated by the challenge. 
• This moment won’t come between us. 

3. “I’ll help you.” 

During moments when I realize the task or responsibility is just too much for my child (for whatever reason), I will say this and come alongside them and offer my guidance. 

For young kids, this might look like taking their hands and guiding them to wash them in the sink. For older kids, it might look like grabbing their shoes or backpack and putting it in front of them (or even helping them put on their shoes). 

This phrase is great for moments when my child is:

• Dawdling
• Getting frustrated by the task
• Whining, laying on the floor, complaining 
• Distracted and/or playing instead of doing the task they need to do

Instead of getting upset and asking, “Why aren’t you listening? What did I just tell you to do?!”, I try to take action with the energy of “I’ll help move this moment along.” It also reminds my brain that my job is to help, not yell, criticize, or punish. 

Phrases like this directly tell my child:

• I’m the leader and will help them along. 
• This task is important right now and needs to get done. 
• They aren’t alone with this task. I’m their supportive guide. 

4. “Mistakes are how we learn.”

I’m always trying to make it a point to normalize perceived “failure.” 

Whether our drawing didn’t come out how we wanted it to, or we don’t know how to solve the math problem or read the word yet, or we accidentally upset a friend – I try to help them understand mistakes usually mean we are on the verge of learning something new. This helps train their mind to find the lesson so they can move forward.

To make it fun, I’ll do a playful call out – “Mistakes are how we what?” and they say, “Learn!” To which I’ll say, “That’s right baby! There’s a lesson in this. I know it’s hard but we can do hard things.” 

“Failure” is a natural part of the learning (and growth) process and the more I can normalize and remind them of this, the better they will do in all areas of their life. 

Phrases like this directly tell my child:

• Mistakes don’t mean they are flawed. It means they’re learning. 
• It’s safe to explore and experiment. They are supported along the way. 
• Mistakes and ‘failure’ are a good thing. It means they’re learning. It means they are trying something new. It means they are doing a brave thing. 
• Challenges are a good thing. If they’re not challenged, they’re probably not learning anything new. 

5. “I’m sorry.” or “You’re right.”

I make it a point to call out my mistakes not only to normalize “failure” (and practice what I preach) but also to show them in intentional ways that our relationship matters to me most, not my ego, agenda, or the task. 

To me – A huge part of being a confident leader is being able to take in feedback and connect with those in which we have the privilege to lead. This includes my children.

Phrases like this directly tell my child:

• They are an important part of our family. 
• I value their ideas, experiences and feelings. 
• It’s important to take accountability for our mistakes and apologize and mend our mistakes. 
• They can trust me. I’m on their side and our relationship is what matters the most (not the situation). 
• It’s better to stay connected versus prove to others that you’re right. Conflict is about coming close to those we love, not pushing them further away in our fight for power and control. 
• An important part of being a leader is being self-reflective and owning your mistakes. 

6. “That’s a fixable problem.” 

Whenever mistakes or mishaps happen like spilled milk or a disagreement with a sibling, I say this phrase to help remind my brain to find the solution(s) rather than dwell in the problem. 

Phrases like this directly tell my child:

• I’m going to help them find the solution. 
• I’m not stressed by this mishap. 
• To not be overly hard on themselves or others. Problems have solutions and it’s our job to identify them and take action. 

In summary, my 6 go-to parenting phrases during stressful moments are:

Let’s talk in the comments – Are there any phrases you want to try out? What’s one parenting phrase you tend to fall back on that makes you feel like a complete success?

Thanks for reading, 

Dr. Jazmine

For my courses, books, free tools and more – visit my website here.