My 5 Year Old Has Been “Rude” Lately, Here’s What I’ve Been Doing
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So lately, I’ve noticed that my 5-year old has been doing a lot of “testy” behaviors like:
- Not respecting her sister’s body boundaries.
- Competing with her sister (e.g., “Mommy let me get this first.”)
- Moving really slowwww (or not at all) when I give directions.
- Getting “stuck” in whining/sulking when upset. Lowww frustration tolerance.
There are sooo many different ways to approach this but here’s what I’ve been doing lately (based on our context).
1. Shifting my mindset of her & her behaviors.
I caught myself the other day thinking, “Ahh she’s going to be so moody when she’s a teenager!”
Yikes! I realize this type of thinking does *nothing* to move us forward. It actually perpetuates the issue.
Instead when I notice this thinking, I remind myself “not to play the tape.”
What this means is don’t get too far from the here and now.
Right now she’s expressing her emotions (& this is OK). I have noo idea what things will be like 10 years from now.
2. Dedicating more 1:1 play time with her.
In the last few weeks, I’ve been off track with this routine.
It’s easy to slip out of routines when life gets busy but I try to view her behavior as a cry for help/attention.
This empowers me to focus on the things I can do to help her (vs. being fixated on trying to change her).
3. Taking a step back to examine family dynamics.
Family dynamics naturally shift when changes happen in the system (like the birth of baby brother in December 2022). Now that she’s the middle child, I can see how in *some* ways, she’s falling into the stereotypical middle child syndrome.
Now research on birth order is mixed and still being explored, but for us personally, I can see how she can be overshadowed by her older sister and doesn’t quite get the same attention as her younger brother. Zooming out and taking a look at the family system as a whole allows me more clarity on what I can do to help.
4. Changing the routine
“Nothing changes if nothing changes.”
After a recent huge episode of screaming, tantrums, slamming doors, trying to throw things at me I had a realization…
It’s time to change things up.
So for the weekend, we switched things up. Instead of all of us doing things as a family, we did dates. She stayed at home with one parent while the other parent went to do things with her sister.
Sure she was disappointed that she had to stay home but disrupting the pattern allowed for:
- Rest (she took a nap)
- Hard conversations
- 1:1 play time (we had a nail party, played games, did arts and crafts)
Notice what I did there?
When our kids are chronically testy, less cooperative, whiny, etc., it’s really easy to focus on THEM and what they’re not doing right…
but instead of asking, “What do I need to do to change her??” I’m asking, “What needs to change about the way I show up for her? What about the family system perpetuates this behavior?”
Those are the deep, more fruitful questions.
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You’ll learn:
- How to stop the cycle of constantly having to yell when you need your child to stop doing negative behavior.
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- Step by step guide to better cooperation & connection using my research-based framework.
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