Two big questions I often receive from parents are: “Why is my toddler resistant to talking about feelings when having a tantrum?” “How do I connect with my child when they’re having these intense feelings?” 

Let’s talk about how to handle your toddler or preschooler’s tantrums inside and outside the moment.

1. The reason your child is resistant to talking about feelings during a tantrum is that it feels too vulnerable in that moment. 

I want you to think about a time when you had intense feelings. Did you go talk to somebody immediately? Sometimes you might, but other times you probably want space and time to yourself to process and make sense of it. 

Often for our kids, it’s the same idea. Talking about those feelings right away could feel really vulnerable. 

When we’re having high emotions, the part of our brain called the amygdala is activated, which is our stress response system. And what’s not always activated is the part of our brain that registers language and communication so we can talk it out. Therefore, it’s often too soon to talk about those feelings – it’s too soon from a cognitive and emotional level since your toddler or preschooler is emotional and not ready to connect or process their feelings. 

2. We need to examine our own motives during these moments of intense feelings.

Often, when we’re dealing with these intense emotions, we’ll label those emotions and try to do some gentle or positive parenting to get them to stop crying. 

What we need to ask ourselves is, “Am I labeling my child’s emotions because I want to see them and empathize, or am I labeling their emotions because I’m feeling overwhelmed and I need this to stop?”

Try not to judge yourself if this resonates, but get curious about it. Get curious about how you feel when your child is having intense emotions. Because here’s the thing: They can sense when we’re trying to control or fix their feelings. 

And they will resist this because we’re trying to control their process. Your toddler or preschool knows deep in their heart this is a process only they can control, and we can’t force them to  process, label, and speak calmly before they’re ready.

I will tell my daughters, “Let it out, let it out.” This is something I’m saying, but it’s a reminder for me. I’m reminding myself all feelings are okay, and I don’t need to control this process. It’s healthy that they’re letting their emotions out and expressing them with me. If I can create a safe space for my toddler or preschooler to express their emotions, it’s going to enhance our relationship and make it more likely they’re able to process what’s going on for themselves. 

If our children feel like we are trying to control them, or we’re unhappy with how they’re expressing themselves, it’s going to add more stress to their plate during that moment. Now they have to deal with not only whatever set them off in the first place, but now, “Oh my gosh, my parent is disapproving of me.”

The best thing that you can do is regulate yourself during tantrums. 

4. Tell your child that when they’re ready they can tell you how they feel.

Sometimes you try to label your child’s emotion and they say, “No, that’s not how I feel.”

What you say is, “Okay, that’s not how you feel. Thanks for letting me know. When you’re ready, I’d love to know how you feel.”

Just saying, “How do you feel?” That’s too much pressure. Your toddler or preschooler might not be ready to process and verbalize their feelings.

What that means is you’re coming with the energy of “I’m here and I’m ready to talk when you’re ready. But I’m not going to leave. I’m not upset. I’m not forcing you to talk about this before you’re ready. I’m not trying to fix your feelings. I know that this is your process, and I’m going to hold space for that. I’m going to follow your lead because this is your process.”

Now, if we’re heading out the door, that doesn’t mean we don’t help them do the things they need to get done. Every situation is a little different, but it doesn’t mean we don’t draw boundaries around the situation and help in ways that you can. It means you’re not going to try to fix your toddler or preschooler’s feelings and make them feel calm before they’re ready.

6. Connect with your child after a tantrum or intense feelings.

If your toddler or preschooler is on the older side, they’ll have the verbal and cognitive capacity to think about these things after the moment. So connection looks like having a hard time emotionally and then circling back to that later. You can say:

• “Wow. We had a hard time at dinner. Do you remember that?”
• “I felt like we were on two separate pages, and I want to connect with you. I want to be there for you in those moments. I know how difficult these moments are for you and whatever triggered that.”

Don’t just think about connection during the tantrum, connect and circle back outside of the moment.

For little ones, it’ll more likely look like symbolic play you could use to reconnect. But connection is also the conversations we have when everybody’s calm, and we can debrief.

In the moment of a tantrum or intense feelings, connection looks like providing space. Remember, it’s not always about what we’re saying. 

7. Try to say yes more than no. And when you can’t say yes, give a conditional yes. 

I talk extensively about this in my discipline course – Positive Discipline Academy –  but let me give you a quick example: You’re in the car and your toddler asks for a bath. But you’re planning on having lunch and then nap time. Instead of saying, “No,” you can give a conditional yes: “Yes, we can take a bath after naptime.” 

This is when we can meet their request and make a plan to do it once the condition is met (in this instance, nap time). 

Of course, there are some things we can’t do. And then you’ll approach it from a different angle. But for those situations where there is some room – just not right now – then you can make a plan. 

8. Less is more during tantrums. 

Less talking is more during a tantrum. Don’t focus on what you’re saying. Focus on your energy and staying grounded is going to help you and your child far more than trying to remember any tip or script.

If you need more help with tantrums and intense feelings, I have a FREE workshop, How to Get Your Kids to Listen Without Yelling, where we work through discipline and setting consequences with intention and respect. I provide you with the tools you need to create a happy home where cooperation happens without the struggle.

You’ve got this,

Dr. Jazmine